I lost my Vera Wangs and I haven’t been able to locate them. This is not a good thing, peoples. Brand new eye glasses that went missing. Brilliantly stylish eyewear, with prescription lenses that allowed me to see things that were far away so clearly that I could almost read all the minute verbiage they tack on at the end of all those prescription drug television ads. The Vera Wangs came with a fashionably floral zippered case to store them in when they weren’t in use.
Wearing my Vera Wangs provided me with super heroine vision. I was Rennie the two-eyed Champion of Extremely Clear Eyesight! I was an awesome heroine. I could read stuff from twenty paces away faster than a snail with bifocals. It made our senior citizen kitties proud to know that when necessary, I was available to read any blurb presented in televised commercials that might be of interest to them. From cat food to kitty litter, I could recite the fine print out loud to them so that they could make appropriate consumer decisions.
My sidekick, Mr. Dave, the Extremely Patient, was delighted that my Vera Wang’s provided me with super heroine eyesight. Before the Vera Wangs, Mr. Dave had to slowly scroll through the zillion channel television menu and recite to me the little blurb that provided an explanation of what the program was about. This was a most tiresome task that challenged Mr. Dave’s sanity and, at times, made him grumpy.
So, how in the world did I misplace my Vera Wangs? What caused them to drop out of sight? Where did they go? If I knew this information, I would have been able to find them by now.
Mr. Dave has searched all the regular places where I generally lose my eyeglasses. Under my Lazy Boy, under the bed, bathroom counter, space between the recliners, kitchen counters, floors. You name the location, Mr. Dave has searched it.
Mr. Dave is used to recovering my missing eyewear. My old glasses often played hide and seek with us. They never hid out for longer than a few minutes, however. They probably didn’t enjoy being lost. They were always quickly found in perfectly obvious locations.
I believe that the missing Vera Wangs are, possibly, quite proud of all the chaos and disruptive discussions they have caused the senior citizen kitties to overhear. I don’t believe they are planning on being of any worthwhile assistance in their recovery. Wherever they are, at present, they intend to remain there.
“Why in the heck don’t you just put them in the case that came with them when you take them off?” grumbled Mr. Dave after moving endless furniture to see if the Vera Wangs had slipped underneath.
“I only take them off when I work on the computer,” I grumbled back. “I only used them to watch television and see far away stuff. The bifocal part irritates me, so, I just take them off when I am reading or typing or cooking.”
A discussion of where in the house I have been while wearing my Vera Wangs has occurred well over several times. It’s never a pleasant chat. I get reminded of other occasions when I misplaced my old eyeglasses; and Mr. Dave, superhero wannabe, located them when I could not.
Although I am thankful for Mr. Dave’s awesomeness, I am only human, excepting for those times I am a super heroine, of course. I didn’t intentionally cast them aside or sell them to gypsies or put them in a mason jar and bury them in the backyard. Sometimes, things go missing, and it is pointless to endlessly discuss why they did or who is at fault. As a two-eyed Champion of now Slightly Less Than Clear Eyesight, yet still a pretty fab heroine, I take full responsibility for my failure to remember where I put the wretched Vera Wangs!
So, peeps, I am forced by unfortunate circumstances to return to wearing my backup glasses until the Vera Wangs make a reappearance. The glasses with the old prescription and the lens that occasionally pops out of the frame. They work ok for the stuff I use them for. I still have that fashionable Vera Wang eyeglass case where I should put my backup eye glasses when they are not on my nose. I keep forgetting to use it, of course. I’m only human after all, except for the times when I am a super heroine.