It’s War!!!

They’re back!!!  I call them the little rat-assed bastards.  I realize this may be considered overly harsh language by some folks.  However, I didn’t invite the dratted bugs into my kitchen.  They showed up without formal invitations like the mini swine they are.  How dare they scurry across my counter top as if they have a right to do so without violent retribution involved!  They earned every smut word I tossed their way and then some……  

Each spring they appear, seemingly eager to accomplish whatever it is that ants on a mission of doom have left to accomplish.  I get irate when I first see them, even though past experience has taught me to anticipate their eventual return.  My war with the ants is never ending.  It has become a crusade; and, I am their sworn enemy for all eternity……

Perhaps, I should just accept them.  They are merely a part of the never ending circle of life as am I; as are all of us.  They probably have a profound Karmic reason for being where they are and doing what they do……

Balderdash!!!  They are wretched ants, unwanted vermin spawned from the very deepest depths of Hades.  They have invaded my territory, and I WANT THEM GONE! 

Spring time should be a season of celebrating stuff like sunny days, robins chirping in the back yard, and the return of a new season of Housewives of Orange County…… 

My hubby, Mr. Dave, suggested that I might want to calm down, quit calling them names, and just do whatever it is I did previously to wipe the intruders off the face of the planet……  

“Do you not understand?” I snarled at him.  “These little rat-assed bastards are smarter than the ones from last year!  I can tell just by looking at them that this year’s ants are Einsteins compared to the twits from last year!”  

Mr. Dave gave me that look…  Mr. Dave has evolved a variety of looks during the years of our togetherness.  I can read his expressions as easily as a Dean Koontz novel.  

God help me, she’s insane!” was the look plastered across Mr. Dave’s face. 

 It was evident to me that Mr. Dave wanted to run away–far, far away–until it is no longer spring time, and those fortunate few ants that I didn’t send to insect Valhalla have returned to the nether regions from whence they came……

 Ah, poor, sweet, Mr. Dave.  It’s best to let him flee the battle field.  I shall take care of the ants myself……

 Upon the first ant on the counter sighting, I go into battle planning mode.  I must come up with an ingenious plan of attack!  Something that those little rat-assed bastards wont expect……

I could just purchase some commercial ant traps and set them in the path of the invaders.  Those work.  They are like tiny, round, fast food stops for those dunderants that come cruising indoors looking for a handout.  

 

Yep, that would be the easy way.  But is it the safest way?  Those little round metal traps contain dangerous insecticides inside them and I have the welfare of four curious indoor cats to consider….                                                                          

Nope, no ant traps for us.  I will do as I have done since the ants showed up the first time.  I will battle the little fiends using the tried and tested methods suggested by folks who know what they are doing most of the time.  I will use the power of the Internet to assist me!!!

I went immediately to my computer and Googled the question:

How do I get rid of the ants in my kitchen?”

Ah, sweet Google…. Within seconds a myriad of valuable information appeared onscreen.  A few hours later, I was prepped for battle……

No, I did not spend all those hours combing through blogs and question and answer posts reading the accounts of how other humans had dealt with their personal ant invasions!  That would be a ridiculous waste of time, wouldn’t it?  I’m quite sure that I probably played a hand or two of Yahoo Hearts or a game of Bookworm while I researched the subject.  That would explain the length of time I was in front of the computer……

Yep, I’m pretty confident that’s what I did.  I distinctly recall taking a break and going to the kitchen to sponge any presence of ants off the counter before I returned to the computer to finish reading a riveting post from a guy in New York City who needed to vent about the ant invasion he lived through and the stress and tragedy it had brought into his life.   

This guy posted that he had to move in with his parents while the professionals sprayed down his apartment building to get rid of a spring time ant invasion.  He brought with him his pet Chihuahua, appropriately named El Cid, two goldfish, names not mentioned, and a salamander named Steve……

The guy’s mother took an instant dislike to Steve,  and a jittery El Cid peed on Mom’s kitchen floor twice in about as many hours……

The guy’s father, who may have considered Chihuahuas a breed of substandard girlie dogs, suggested that the guy board El Cid at a local kennel to keep El away from the claws attached to the mom’s cat……

Mom’s cat, name not mentioned, probably outweighed El Cid by a dozen pounds.  The cat was nearing the point of going full medieval on El……   

The cat may have been teetering on the brink of a psychotic episode due to irritability brought on by the constant yapping of an infinitesimal dog wannabe with weak kidneys.  Probably, the father picked up on the cat’s vibe and, in the spirit of avoiding potential vet bills, encouraged his offspring to house his dogette elsewhere……
 
While the guy was away shelling out money for kennel time for El Cid, Mom’s cat noticed there were fish swimming in a bowl on the kitchen table.  The cat dipped into the bowl and ate one of the goldfish, Sushi style, before Mom shooed the cat off the table and covered the bowl with a book……
                                 

Steve, the salamander, was very nervous throughout the visit.  It seems Steve resides inside a sealed glass terrarium, and Mom’s cat seized every available opportunity to sit on top of the terrarium and terrorize Steve.  This bothered Steve a great deal.  Steve became extremely skittish, and may have developed a permanent eye tick due to the stress…… 

The cat left visible paw prints all over the terrarium’s glass sides.  God knows what that did to Steve’s psyche!  It was a very stressful time for the man and his pets; and, it was rat-assed bastard, miserable ants that caused it all!!!   

Last year, when I battled the ants, I sent Dave out to buy a box of Boraxo. Yep, that 20 Mule Team brand that was used back in the 1950’s as a laundry booster.  They still sell the stuff…… 

I retain lovely childhood memories of watching those old black and white Boraxo commercials of the ’50’s staring Ronald Regan when he was an actor……   

Yuck!  Every time I recall this era of my life, Howdy Doody memories occur.  I was terrified of that damned puppet.  All my worst childhood nightmares featured an evil grinning Howdy Doody with gnashing steel teeth chasing me down an endless dark alley.  Yeesh!  I can’t think about that any more….. 

Anyways, it seems Boraxo plus sugar equals death to ants. Last year, I found a recipe posted by a fellow human, and I mixed up a lethal ant cocktail for the little rat-assed bastards using clover leaf honey and Boraxo. I made a little ant feeding station on the kitchen counter and hoped for the best. It was better than best.  They practically ran over each other to get at the stuff. 

Within two days the ants disappeared and my kitchen was once again ant free……

Following my victory over last year’s invaders, Mr. Dave and I experienced a wonderful rest of spring, a delightful summer and fall, and a mild winter.  Life went on as it usually does, until spring returned…… 

Circle of life thing all over again.  The ants returned….

Ah, me…… 

So, I am presently working on eradicating this year’s ant invaders.  As I commented to a disbelieving Mr. Dave, this bunch of ants are much smarter than last’s year’s.  Only a few of this year’s ants partook of the Boraxo and honey laced cocktail I left out for them.  It’s as if they knew it was lethal.  Yep, these aren’t the kind of ants that can be fooled twice…… 

During my research on eradication methods (a.k.a. how to kill kitchen ants), I learned that ants will look for certain foods at different times of the year.  Mostly,  ants come into your home looking for water; however, if they find a bread crumb on the floor they will eat it.  Then they go back to the hill and let all their buddies know where to go for free food and drink……

Ants also like fatty foods.  Peanut butter was suggested as a good base for a lethal dose of borax.  So, I mixed a tad of Boraxo into peanut butter using a ratio a fellow survivor listed as having worked for them.  I used Jiff as my peanut butter base.  Only the best products go into my lethal ant offerings……

 

The Boraxo mixed with peanut butter offering has been set out on the kitchen counter.  I was heartened to see a number of the little rat-assed bastards checking it out……. 

I expect I shall update my ant rant post next spring.  Maybe the little bastards will get the message this year…..

These are some links related to my current rant that might amuse some of you and educate others.  No reason to stop learning new stuff,  just because I’m dealing with ant issues: 


If you’d like to learn a bit more about Howdy Doody, 
here is a link to Wikipedia.  Lots of excellent information about that demon puppet is present there. 

 

 

Here’s a video courtesy of CBS news  that provides an overview of the Howdy Doody show and the cast of characters.  By the way, I detested Clarabell the clown almost as much as Howdy.  That clown was creepy, just like Howdy.  Creepy, creepy, creepy….

 

 

I also found this Boraxo commercial featuring Ronald Regan and his real life daughter, Patty.  Yep, that’s Ronald Regan, our 40th president of the good ole USA hawking hand soap for a living.   The era was the 1960’s or thereabouts.  Thanks, YouTube.

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About Rennie

Welcome to my blog. My name is Rennie. I am 66 years old, retired, and married to a truck loving guy named Dave. We live in the beautiful Pacific Northwest within the state of Oregon, USA. We are a household of two humans and one senior citizen kitty. I named my blog after two things I love to do. MuddiWorks is what I call my studio (a.k.a. extra room in our house where I keep all my art stuff). Kitchen Spurts is the term I came up with to describe my forays into the kitchen to cook. I am presently involved in the exploration of what it's like to be a financially insecure retired person. My blogs will be about things that interest me, amuse me, or irk me. My blog is my vent place.
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